I’m a Mom and I’m scared to fly.
Actually, I’m scared to fly since becoming a Mom.
I know what you might be thinking. Who wouldn’t be scared to fly with little kids? But that’s not it at all.
I’m not scared to fly with my kids, I’m scared to fly without them.
I know, I know. In what world does that make sense?
Answer: Mine. In my world.
I’ve traveled all over the place. I count my opportunities to see this world as some of my luckiest moments. Being exposed to new people, new places, new languages, new culture, new food…it’s incredible.
On top of the highest active volcano in Europe, fanning out in Seville at Dorne from GoT, Temple of Concordia in Sicily
I love traveling.
What I don’t love is flying.
I’ve never loved it. It’s always been a means to an end for me. With my travel destination being the end. But since becoming a Mother, I’ve developed an almost crippling fear of flying. I’m scared it’s going to be the means to a different type of end.
FaceTime FTW
I’ll just come right out with it. I’m scared of my plane crashing. Truthfully, I’m not just scared to fly, I’m scared to die.
Because I love my children. Because I love being a Mother. And because I have SO much to live for since having them.
People usually think my hesitancy to travel since becoming a Mom is about my children. But it’s mostly about me.
I’m not worried about my kids being okay while I am away on a trip. I know they’ll be in the best hands ever. Capable, loving, family hands. Family members who are so in tune with them and their safety & well-being that I don’t think twice about leaving them. I know they’ll be okay.
I just don’t know if I’ll be okay.
And I don’t mean in terms of missing them. Cue all the “Oh you’ll miss them but it will feel good to get away” comments. I know how good it will feel to get away. To have a break. To avoid mom burnout. And of course I will miss them—they’re my babies! All hail FaceTime for making it possible to see their precious faces from halfway across the world. And I’m sorry if seeing Mama & Daddy makes it harder on whoever is taking care of them (shout out to my Mom & Sis!), but this Mama’s gotta see her babies.
As much as I adore my children and just Motherhood in general (I’m a SAHM & think being a Mother is what I was born to do), every time I travel it is so refreshing. It feels good to play hookie. I love connecting with my husband, whether it be for a night out or a week away. It’s nice to have regular conversations instead of the fractured sentences we try to finish every few minutes but never quite do. Also, morning sex.
It’s nice to have a breather but, inevitably, by the end of every trip I am absolutely dying to see them. So yes, I’ll miss them.
But my anxiety is not about missing my children. It’s about missing out on them.Click To Tweet
I’m the Mom who doesn’t want to miss a single moment of my kids’ lives. I want to soak up every hug, every snuggle, every little handprint. So the thought of missing all the moments unravels me to my core. It utterly destroys me.
I don’t want my children to grow up without a Mother.
Actually, let me say that differently—I don’t want them to grow up without ME.
Because that’s what I really mean.
Believe it or not, I’m not an anxious person. I’m actually a pretty practical person.
But mostly, I am a feeling person. I have a lot of feelings. About a lot of things. And they aren’t easily ignored.
My fear of flying is one of these feelings.
And that feeling is strong. Crippling even. The “cars are so much more dangerous” argument doesn’t help me at all. The statistics that are completely in my favor don’t make an iota of difference to me. The “airplanes are so safe” facts have zilch effect. The pilot neighbor who has piloted planes his entire life coming over to sit on my porch at my husband’s request to explain how safe flying is doesn’t work for me. (Okay, that one worked a little because I was able to grill him on things like drunk pilots that you read about in the news, etc…but not enough to alleviate my fear). And God Forbid don’t you dare tell me “everything happens for a reason.” Because I’m a firm non-believer in that and I honestly think it is a terrible thing to say to people (more on that in another post).
If a plane crash is in the news, I can’t stop reading about it. I’m almost obsessive, trying to figure out what went wrong, was it human or mechanical error, what could have been done to save the plane and thus everyone in it, etc. My husband says I torture myself by doing that. I clap back that I just want to be knowledgeable about it. He’s not wrong. But neither am I.
When you’re as scared to fly as I am, you worry when they say something’s not working and you worry when they say it’s fixed (because, is it?!).
I know, it’s completely ridiculous.
Safety First, Cruise Style.
When I’m in the airport calmly (on the outside—inside I’m a wad of nerves) waiting to board and I hear the dreaded “Flight XXXX has been delayed,” my entire body tenses. And if it’s for a technical issue—my inner shit just hit the fan. I have conflicting feelings because on the one hand, thank you Jesus that they caught it. But on the other hand, I worry they’ll do a quick bandaid type fix. I get suspicious my HVAC guy might not fix my air unit right. You don’t think I worry about this supposedly expert aviation tech team that knows how to fix all the problems on all the planes all the time?
I DO.
My husband is a physician. Since I’ve become scared to fly he always suggests that I take Xanax or something to ease my anxiety. My response is always the same: “I want to be alert.”
I know that sounds crazy. But hear me out.
IF something were to happen with our flight, I want to be 100000% on my A game. In the event of an emergency landing, I want to be able to spring into action. If someone has evil intentions, I want to be prepared. I want to know where the exit rows are. And I want to be ready. I don’t want to be hazy. <Insert my husband’s exasperated sigh as I explain this to him—yet again—here.>
I listened to & watched the Flight Attendant Safety Demo intently on my first flight as a junior in college. And I’ve half-heartedly listened since then, but never at full attention (except when Delta had that cheeky video one).
But you know who tunes into the Flight Safety Talk like their life depends on it (because it could)?
Moms who are scared to fly since having kids.
You better believe I want to know if the bottom of my seat is the flotation device, where my closest exit is, and not to worry if my oxygen mask doesn’t inflate because oxygen is still flowing. Tell me more, Plane Safety Gods. I want to know it all.
I assess the people around me. Gauge how they might hold up in a crisis situation. She looks strong. He looks able-bodied. Ooh, he looks weak. She looks too relaxed.
When the “Seat belts fastened” light unexpectedly dings, my mind goes into overdrive. “Does the pilot know something we don’t?” OF COURSE THE PILOT KNOWS SOMETHING I DON’T. The pilot knows a million things I don’t. The physics of flying. Aerodynamics. The weather at the current altitude. Air pockets. The route. To. Name. A. Few.
And no, I don’t want to fly separately from my husband, though I absolutely understand why many couples do that. I get it and it’s honestly probably the smart thing to do. But selfishly, it doesn’t really make me feel any better. In fact that would just layer on the worry because then I’d have to worry about his plane, too. And God I love that man.
But, here’s the clincher. This is where it gets (or I get?) even crazier.
I would be more okay if I had my kids with me on the plane.
I KNOW IT. <face palm>
How can I be so scared to fly when my kids aren’t with me but magically unafraid when they are?
5.5 Months Pregnant in Prague
It makes no sense. But it’s the truth.
I’d feel so much more okay if I was sandwiched between my children on every flight, holding their little bodies close and feeling all that love. That seems unusual coming from someone who is so scared to fly. Morbid even. Like “I’m terrified to fly unless my kids are with me.” Wait, what?
I never let myself go this far into it because even grazing past these thoughts crumples me, but for the sake of this post I will delve into it one time and one time only.
If I really break it down I think it’s because it’s a Mother’s instinct to protect her young, especially in an emergency (like the scariest moment of my life when my child choked). And holding my kids close to me & then springing into the Supermom action hero makes me feel safer.
And to go even deeper, I also think it’s because I want to hold them until the very end. My end. And if I’m alone on a flight and something happens, they’re so far away. I can’t hold them and tell them how much Mama loves them until my very last breath.
I’m scared to fly because I don’t want to die.
That’s what it all boils down to. And I know there are a million ways to die, but planes really scare me. Though anything that could take me away from my children, or vice versa, scares me to death.
If you could guarantee me that I’d get to my destination and back home safely, I’d never bat an eye about hopping on a plane and flying across the world. I really do love traveling.
My husband is scared to fly since becoming a parent, too. But he says he doesn’t want to be paralyzed by fear or let it stop us from living our lives.
I remind him he wouldn’t feel that way if we didn’t make it back.
He agrees.
We traveled a bunch before having children. I traveled 5 months pregnant with my first. We traveled after having our son. I traveled 5 months pregnant with my second. And I’ve traveled since having her. Each time it’s harder and harder. At this point it’s edging near impossible for me.
No trip is worth the risk of not being here for and with my kids. And yet here I am thinking about taking that risk. Sure, I have a wonderful trip to gain. But I have everything to lose. Everything. Putting it like that makes me wonder how I could even consider it. And yet here I am. Considering it.
Year after year, trip after trip. Considering it. Risking it. Everything.
This is where I belong.
So what do we do? Those of us scared to fly since having children? Do we stay put and never travel again? Or do we take that risk, ignore our fear of flying, and get on the plane?
I’m supposed to fly soon. Very soon.
And far. Very far.
I bought “Gold Package” travel insurance just in case my babies get sick. Or we get sick. Or in case I just can’t step foot on the plane. (ding ding ding)
Where do we stand on teleporting these days? Sheldon? Elon Musk? Richard Branson? Anybody?
Are you scared to fly since becoming a Mom, too? Tell me in the comments. And if you have any tips for fear of flying, please help a scared Mama out & give me those, too!
Want more on Motherhood? —> Are you a Stay at Home Mom? Has your child choked? (mine did) Have you been mom-shamed?
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20 comments
I seriously could have written this post!! I am taking my first solo trip since becoming a mom to my now 3 1/2 year old girl and 18 month old boy, and I’m freaking out! It’s a trip I planned as a gift for my mom…a girls weekend in Texas. But I don’t want to go anymore! I grew up flying, my dad and uncles all had their pilot’s licenses, my step mom was a flight instructor, my step brother is now a pilot for Delta, it’s “in the family” so to speak. But on the flip side of that coin, the reason my step mom and step siblings are mine is because they’re dad actually did die in a plane crash. He was a pilot and owned a specialty delivery company flying goods to places for people. He ignored a bad winter weather forecast because it wasn’t too far of a distance, he had flown it a million times, and he wanted to get home to his family. My dad actually led the search party because they were friends. However this family history literally never once made me afraid of flying, until now. And it’s still not the fact that he crashed, because it was 100% weather related as we was flying a small plane in a severe blizzard back in the early 80’s. It’s the fact that my step brother and sister had to grow up without THEIR dad. Did their lives turn out ok? Yes. Are they happy and healthy? Yes, and my dad raised them like his own. But I know it wasn’t the same for them. It never could be. And I know they have deep scars and wounds. It’s weird…I’m mostly worried about leaving my daughter without me, she is so fragile emotionally and very bonded to me over my husband. I feel like my son would be okay, but I still don’t want him to grow up without knowing my love. I’m literally crying writing this…but as my husband said, you can’t NOT live your life out of fear of dying. You could die driving to work, or walking the dog, or eating…which I know is true, but flying feels so much riskier because there’s almost zero chance of surviving a crash. I don’t want to go on the trip, but how can I not? How can I tell my mom our trip is cancelled because I can’t get on the plane because I’m afraid to die? People will think I’m nuts. So it is in God’s hands now. I also like the idea of God playing with toy planes from the other comment…I will be thinking of that and praying so hard before, during and after this trip, that God will allow me to be here for my kids. Sending love to all the mom’s feeling this fear.
Sara, first of all, omg Mama. Your comment tore me up. Just how you have been surrounding by pilots, flying, planes, etc. your entire life…and then that being how your stepfamily lost their father. Oh it breaks my heart. I get it. I get exactly how you feel. And I’m dying to know if you went on the girls trip with your Mama?? If so, how was it? Were you a nervous wreck or did you get past it? My husband says all the same things to me but it really doesn’t ease what I feel – I know it should be comforting because in a practical sense he is completely right — flying is actually very safe. But I can’t stop feeling how I feel. Sending you so much love. Give me an update on your trip, thinking about you! ❤️❤️
Most of what you wrote describe me. But my problem is that I’m scared of flying alone as if it could be my last and never get the chance to hold my kids. I’m also scared to fly with them thinking if the plane might crash, seeing the fear in my kids eyes and not be able to save them. Ever since the incident of Kobe Bryant and his daughter, I couldn’t stop picturing if that was me and my kids. I wish I could just wake up one day and be like other people with zero thoughts of this.
Ooooh I feel this so hard. I get it. It tears me up thinking about it, too. All of it. And I know how safe flying actually is, and that still doesn’t really comfort me. I haven’t traveled in the past couple of years because of the pandemic, so the thought of flying without my kids now is like too hard to even imagine. Not sure how I’ll ever be able to do it again!
Ugh just had a panic attack about flying! I used to fly all the time when my husband and I were dating and doing long distance. Then after having kids just can’t seem the accept that getting on a plane is safe. I’m supposed to fly with my 4 year old in two days and cannot soy picturing her little face if we were to crash. It’s obsessive going over and over and I just can’t make it stop! That you for writing this. Knowing I’m not alone gives so much comfort. Thank you ❤️
Oh Mama I know all those same feels!!! You’re describing exactly how I feel every single time I get on a plane. Or even think about getting on one. I obsess about it, too. I get it. Thinking about you, Mama. ❤️ You should be there by now…how did it go?
Hey momma ! I’m not sure how often you read these, but I recently came across this article after googling “newfound fear of flying after becoming a mom”. Let me just say I feeeeel your pain, everything you’ve said.. and wanna know the crazy part ?! I’m a FLIGHT ATTENDANT “ the airplane safety gods” as you May Say haha. I know how safe planes are and I know the airline would never operate after a maintenance delay if it werent actually “safe” to fly. We have some things on the plane called “no go items” or a “no go” and that basically means the plane would not fly if it’s missing any safety equipment that would be necessary in the event of an emergency, and also we will not take off if the mechanical issue could cause a safety issue. Usually when there’s a delay for maintenance it’s something really silly like the handle on one of the passenger seats was broken, or there’s a safety placard missing, or the overhead been handle won’t lock one of the over head bins, or a flashlight doesn’t work, sometimes it can be for things a little less silly like the door in the luggage compartment under the plane is jammed, and if they can’t fully get it closed properly they will cancel the flight. I’m saying this all this to reiterate that I KNOW how safe the aircraft is, or how safe it is to fly in general. I went through a month and a half of training and learned all about some stuff that causes aircraft to have fatal consequences and how much of a rarity it is. But there goes my issue.. the fact that it’s rare, doesn’t make it impossible. Since having my son a year and a half ago flying is SO much harder for me.. i flew all the way till my 8th month in pregnancy not scared at all !! Not one little lick of fear, and now.. I’m literally crippled by the fear that something may happen while on one of my flights and my baby boy will be left with out me.. and like you said, not because I feel he’d be unsafe, because I know how much my husband would take care of him, but the fact that he’d have to grow up not having his momma, it breaks me.. part of me knows the fear is irrational, but is it really? Lol .. I’ve been back to work now since October, and it’s only getting harder.. I get all types of anxiety before a work flight, but in all honesty I’m only nervous during take off, after take off I’m perfectly fine like I wasn’t afraid at all, but I when I am working I normally fly about 3 legs a day, so that’s taking of 3 times in one day, you can imagine how many stress hormones I have being released into my body.. I’ve reconsidered my career since going back to work, but I honestly am just hoping this new found fear is a phase, and it’ll eventually go away. I spoke to my therapist about it and she mentioned how normal it is for a new mommy to be afraid to die, she called it mommy mortality anxiety, apparently it’s super normal.. any way, just wanted to share
My story! Feel free to email me if you have any questions. Btw my next flight is in two days haha
Oh my goodness. I am SO glad you commented. I always read every single comment. And man did yours speak straight into my heart and soul. The fact that you fly literally all the time & still feel this way just gives me so validation for my own fears. Because you KNOW how safe it is. And you KNOW they won’t fly an unsafe plane. And yet your Mama heart still feels what it feels. OMG, I get it. My heart hurts for you because I know those same feels. I can’t imagine having to deal with being scared like we are a few times a day when you’re working! A few times a year is about all I can handle. You are a rock star. I agree with you, I think it is totally normal. I really do. I didn’t know it had a name but that makes total sense now that you say it. I will say that it has only gotten harder for me. I was hoping it would get easier but so far it hasn’t. It started for me when my son was 2 and he’s 5 now. And now I have a second child (she’s 3) so it’s just getting more & more amplified. Being a Mom can be SO hard. Thinking about you, Mama. And also, thank you so much for sharing what your did. Believe it or not, everything you wrote helped ease some of my fears…but it mainly gave me a big sense of solidarity with another Mama who feels the same way. Thank you, Mama ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much for this. I feel similarly and I have to fly for work, all the time, to intense places and often on little planes and helicopters. I am also divorced and know my son wouldn’t be in a great situation if something happened to me. I got my pilots license when I was younger so I have a solid idea of how safe planes are and what can and can’t go wrong. I have also had to make a really dangerous emergency landing on one of my trips so the fear in a way is validated. I do a lot of praying for sure. I also travel with an In-Reach sat phone, a life straw for water purification, solid rain gear and layers, and emergency food because those are little things I can control to make me feel better in case we do go down. I was once on a plane that was diverting for an emergency and I cried the whole time I was so worried I would leave my kid behind. Now I also travel with my son whenever I can, every time I can swing it my work trips become a family vacation. I hear you, its hard, just keep trying, it should get a little better as they get older.
Oh Mama, my heart hurts for you because I know it must be SO hard to have to travel that often and like you do. I love how you carry the things you can prepare for/control. I am going to copy you and start doing the same. Maybe that will help me some. Your advice and solidarity means the world. It sounds like you have to walk through this same fear all the time and I just want to say – you are a rockstar. Hang in there, Mama. Here’s to more work-trips-turned-family-vacations! ❤️
I feel the same way about flying and cried uncontrollably during our first flight away from our oldest! I don’t have any tips except to pray because this fear or the fear of something happening to them keeps me up at night way too often. Great article!
Thank you so much, Mama! I pray hard about it because like you, I don’t know what else to do! Thank you so much for the solidarity, Sarah. ❤️
We are suppose to be flying alone for the first time since having kids in just a couple months and it keeps me up at night. I was so excited until the more I thought about it. I’m terrified I’m going to have an emotional breakdown at the airport. 😭
I have been there (emotional breakdown at the airport). It happens. And it’s okay. I don’t know how to overcome this newfound fear of flying I have, and I don’t know how I make myself get on the plane, but so far I have gotten on. One day I fully expect I might not be able to. Wish I had words of comfort for you but I am in the same exact boat!! I’ll be thinking about you when you travel soon. ❤️
Oh this brings tears to my eyes, because yes, I feel this exact same way. Sadly, ever since becoming a mom to my wonderful Olive 💗 I cant imagine her being in this world without me, I don’t want to miss a moment of her life. When she was 1.5 and we were visiting family in Hawaii, my husbands aunt bought us tickets to do a helicopter ride over the waterfalls and volcano. I was the most anxious ball of nerves the entire flight that I didn’t really enjoy it. I just kept thinking about what would happen if we crashed. It didn’t help that she had a “will” conversation with us a few hours before. Ugh!!! Love you lady!!
I totally hear you on not being able to enjoy that helicopter ride. I don’t think I would’ve been able to enjoy it a bit either. I would’ve been a wreck even thought I’m sure it was gorgeous. The ‘will’ conversation before = EEEK! Way to put a Mama’s heart & worry into overdrive! Poor Mama! We do have wills done & though I’m so glad we do, it was so terrible & odd to answer all the questions and put it all down on paper. I’m right there with you, Mama. I don’t want to miss even a second of my kids’ lives either.
How interesting that you wrote this post the very week I have to leave my daughter, via plane. (You wrote this post ON my birthday nonetheless! So bizarre). However I agree with you 1,000,000%. It’s as if I could have written this myself. I am riddled with anxiety this week. I am going away with some girlfriends (which I have never done since I had my daughter – she is 12) and I feel guilty about doing something so selfish and reckless, I’m terrified. I also agree that I feel better when she’s flying with me, as awful as that sounds, because it means that if the 1 in a million chance the plane does go down she won’t be left without me. Yes, I realize how that sounds. My fear is not that I will die but that I will die and leave her on this earth without me. I also do the same thing as you, with the pouring over the facts of flying and crashing. If one more person tells me how flying is the safest mode of transportation, I may strangle them. At this point I’m trying to convince myself that I am not going to NOT go on this trip and it is what it is (although I did try to get my friends to agree to drive the 10 hours opposed to flying – that was a no go. Lol). I wish I had some comforting words for you, for myself, I’m sorry. Thanks for putting this out there and letting everyone know we aren’t alone I have seriously though about not flying again for the next couple of years until she’s older. Good Luck!
Oh, Mama, I feel your pain! Sounds like we are in the exact same boat. My heart is with you because I KNOW how intense the anxiety about this can be. I’m living it right now, too. You deserve an amazing trip away with your girlfriends! But I know you already know that, and that’s not what it is about. I get it. I hope you go on your trip, I hope you have an amazing time, and I hope that when you are back safely and loving on your little girl you will feel like a million bucks. Sending love & prayers, Mama!
Yes yes yes!! I have traveled by plane twice this year: with my mom to NYC the first time, and by myself to meet friends in Maine the second. I literally was having a nervous breakdown before leaving and told my husband in a little spat, “you won’t think that if my plane falls out of the sky!” I don’t have very comforting stories about either of those flights, but let’s just say, I can’t sit at the back of a plane, nor do I plan to fly anytime in the near future. I, also, was never afraid to fly before. But, the first time I flew after having children was with my second at 3 months old. That was when I realized my fear the most. I get through each experience with a LOT of prayer, closing my eyes and saying, “God, I know you have us in the palm of your hand,” because I truly believe that and try not to fear. God says, “I am with you.”
I also imagine God playing with airplanes like toys. 😜 it helps. Praying for you in your future travel. I completely understand!
I’m relieved to know I’m not the only one! I only developed a fear of flying after having children, but man oh man, it gets stronger every day! I am right there with you and have said something similar to my husband. 😛 I do pray a lot & also basically beg for safe travels. It is just so hard to feel at ease with. And when I really think about everything at risk then I wonder why on earth I even consider it!?! But I do, time and time again. I love the thought about the toy airplanes 🙂