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Stop Mom-Shaming the Mom-Shamers

June 18, 2019
Stop Mom-Shaming the Mom-Shamers

Yes, Mom-Shaming is a thing. And yes, it might be a little bit out of control.

But maybe not in the way you might think.

I’ve been a mother for 4 years now.

And in that time, I’ve seen Moms shame other moms for everything under the sun. But then I’ve also seen the same Moms who were mom-shamed start mom-shaming those other Mamas right back. Did you get all that? Because that’s a whole lot of shame.Click To Tweet

We’re not all the same. We don’t all like the same food. We have different favorite drinks. Some of us are homebodies and some of us are social butterflies (or vultures, depending on who you are). Some of us are beach babes. Others are mountain chicks. Some of us wear makeup and some of us don’t. The point is, we don’t even all pick the same kind of gum, why on earth do we think we would all pick the same way to parent?

When mom-shaming first came on my radar, it went kind of like this:

A “snobby” mom who would only feed her kids organic food, nothing processed, no refined sugar, thought formula to be sub-par, made her own baby food, etc. etc. (I think you get the point) would mom-shame a mother who didn’t do all those things, and make her feel like she wasn’t as good of a mom because she “obviously” didn’t care about her kid’s wellbeing.

mom-shaming mom-shame

That was complete BS, of course. Still is.

But not every mother who feeds her kid organic was like that then and they aren’t all like that now. Some does not equal all. I feed my kids organic. I don’t judge you for not.

The weird thing is that over the years I’ve seen mom-shaming evolve into something different. The mom-shaming I see the most now is the polar opposite of what I first saw. Now I see mothers shame other moms for doing all those same things I listed above.

“Oh you feed your kid organic?……Cool, we go to McDonalds.”

That kind of thing.

“You breastfed your kid?……Yeah, I hated it. I wanted to have a life.”

Hand me some aloe because that was a burn.

It’s almost like I’m witnessing a contest to see who can be the coolest, most laid-back, IDGAF Mom out there. And that’s such a weird title to vy for.

And here’s the thing. These moms are just as bad as the original “holier than thou” mom-shaming mamas.

There’s no difference. Both are still mom-shaming other Mothers.

And both should be ashamed.

mom-shaming mother for taking kids to Krispy Kreme donuts

I called Krispy Kreme the “donut factory” & it was a total Mom Win.

I fall somewhere in the middle of those two mama caricatures. Yes, I want the absolute best for my kids. I want to feed them the best, I want to nourish their growing little bodies, and I don’t want them stuffed with hormones or fillers or antibiotics (from the food they consume or from their doctors). But I also love Chick-fil-A (and they do, too), I vaccinate, I always want the antibiotic for backup in case we can’t kick whatever it is. I’m currently worried my kids are getting way too much sugar even though I offer them a treat after each meal. We don’t drink juice. I buy the expensive milk. We go to Krispy Kreme and Dunkin’ Donuts. We eat mac & cheese & ice cream some nights and a meat & 2 veggies & a grain other nights.

In short, I do the best I can. I don’t think I do it perfectly. I know I don’t. And I am learning everyday. I’m learning how to better care for my kids. Learning what is good and bad for them. Learning what matters and what doesn’t in the big scheme of things. And I’ll never stop.

I don’t want to be made to feel bad for any of it.

It doesn’t make you a superior Mom just because you only buy—and can afford to only buy—the “healthiest food” for your kids.

And it doesn’t make you a cool Mom to not give a shit about their food either.

And if you boast about either of those things, it just makes you a mean Mom.

While we’re at it, there’s a hugely important factor in surviving Motherhood. And that’s a sense of humor. I’m not sure how you could be a parent without it. In fact, I think the quickest way to find a sense of humor is probably to have kids. Parenthood elevates you and humbles the hell out of you all at once.

But, having a sense of humor and making fun of other Moms and how they parent are not the same thing. Don’t get those two confused.

Laughing together about the absolute insanity of raising little beings is one thing. Laughing at parents who do it differently than you is another.

Mom-shaming a Mother for caring too much is every bit as bad as shaming a Mom for caring too little.

mom-shaming about fresh organic fruit vs mandarin orange packages

#momfail. or maybe #momwin?

It’s like there is this popular breed of mama right now that is non-judgy in a way that makes them judgy.

Hating a hater doesn’t make you a lover.

Bullying a bully doesn’t make you good person.

And mom-shaming a mom-shamer doesn’t make you a better mom.

A double negative might make a positive in math, but this is real life. And it doesn’t work that way.

I don’t want to be mom-shamed for letting my kids have too much sugar.

Or for not letting them have juice.

And I don’t want to be mom-shamed for only buying organic.

I don’t want to be mom-shamed for breastfeeding my children for 18 months and 14 months.

And I don’t want to be mom-shamed for loving breastfeeding.

I don’t want to be mom-shamed for going on date nights and having babysitters regularly.

I don’t want to be mom-shamed for being a stay at home mom.

And I don’t want to be mom-shamed for not letting my kids sleep in my bed.

Or for holding them for a 3 hour nap when they beg me to stay.

Don’t mom-shame me for being religious about nap time. That time is sacred & saves me from mom burnout.

And stop mom-shaming me for identifying most as a Mother. Of course I freaking identify as a Mother. It’s my heart + life + job + responsibilities + world rolled into one. How could it not define me?

mom-shaming definied by motherhood

Stop mom-shaming me for traveling and leaving my kids at home. Or for being too scared to fly and leave them behind. I’ve done both.

Or for being too enthusiastic or caring too much about something in my kid’s life.

Don’t mom-shame me for potty-training my kid later than you think I should.

mom-shaming about screen time

Vegging out in front of the TV.

And don’t mom-shame me for letting my kids play with the phone at the table after they’ve finished eating and we still haven’t gotten our entrees.

Or for not letting them play with the phone. I get to make those decisions. Me.

And no more mom-shaming for not volunteering for every single thing at my child’s school or for not wanting to be in charge. I want my time & energy to go toward my own kids above anything else. I’m selfish that way.

I don’t want to be mom-shamed for loving motherhood. And I mean really, truly, unabashedly loving it. To the point that I even love the sticky child handprints all over my house. Yes I still have a life outside of Motherhood. But my favorite part of my life is Motherhood. No shame in my Mama game.

I don’t want to be mom-shamed for worrying too much about my children.

Or for watching them too closely on the playground and creeping on total helicopter status.

Or for okaying a piece of candy that my child choked on. (Yes, this happened, it was my fault, & the most terrifying moment of my life.)

And definitely don’t mom-shame me for kissing their boo boos. I have a select number of years that they will even let me do this. If they want me to kiss their booboo you bet your ass I’m going to smother them with kisses and make it all better. Because I can. Because at this point in their little lives Mama can fix it. And while I can fix it, I’m going to fix it. Yes, I know they’re alright. You really think I don’t know when my kids are okay and when they’re not? It doesn’t matter to me if “it’s just a scratch” — I’ve probably got 10 years tops of kissing booboos. I’ll kiss every one I can. My child can still be brave and tough and want Mama to kiss his booboo.

So, stop mom-shaming me for making my kids too soft.

Or for making them too hard. For not believing in tough love. Or for being stricter than you think I should be.

There are many different types of mom-shaming. And all of them are wrong.

(Oh, and for the record: When someone says the whole “The days are long but the years are short” thing to you, they’re not mom-shaming you. They’re giving you some solidarity & perspective. Take it.)

mom shaming mom shame meme



Have you ever been mom-shamed? Tell me more in the comments.


Want more MOMLIFE talk? –> Do you have Mom Burnout? Are you a Stay at Home Mom? Or scared to fly since having kids?


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Mom-shaming a Mother for trying too hard is just as bad as shaming one for trying too little. Mom-shaming a mom-shamer doesn’t make you any better. There’s no difference. Both are still mom-shaming other Mothers. And both should be ashamed. #momshame #momshaming

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Lacey Townsend August 20, 2019 - 10:07 am

I remember sharing when you wrote this. Such truth you write! Thank you for calling out what needs to be called out and for reminding us to give ourselves grace. <3

Alina Baietti August 20, 2019 - 9:12 am

This blog is so on point! As a SAHM I’ve been Mom shamed for not working, but I LOVE BEING A SAHM! I fee like I’ve done some Mom shaming on my part too either verbally or just thinking it, so it’s something that I too need to work on. I believe that everyone has the right to raise their kids the way they see fit. You’re totally correct two wrongs don’t make a right! Thank you for writing about this topic!

Chrissie November 14, 2018 - 6:27 pm

I cannot love this enough!!!! If my kids are alive and say “i love you too mom” after I tuck them in to bed at night then i was a good mom! We mamas beat ourselves up enough on a daily basis if we have a bad day and yell at our kids or don’t make a ‘healthy’ breakfast or lunch or supper or don’t have a spotless house etc etc etc that we do not need anyone else to put their 2 cents in and make us feel worse! Some days a simple smile and an ‘I remember this’ or a ‘hang in there mama’ from a mom in line behind you when your kid is cranky or crying or throwing a fit or whatever in a store could make the difference between us having a breakdown in the car or taking a breath and realizing that we aren’t the first mom dealing with this and that there will be better days. I tell my kids that they should try their best to treat others the way they would like to be treated and i believe that this would be a very different world if we all did the same.

C'MON MAMA November 16, 2018 - 7:54 am

Thank you so much for the love & support on this post, Mama! I agree with you 1000000% about how if your kids are alive & tell you they love you at the end of the day then it is a WIN. You’re so right. And I know what you mean about how if another Mama says a sweet thing just off the cuff and it can change the whole feel of my day. Unity is awesome. Solidarity is powerful. A “you’re doing a good job, Mama” goes SO SO FAR. You sound like an awesome Mama.

Simplymoming November 14, 2018 - 9:21 am

I love this post! You put into words exactly what I’ve been thinking lately. Thank you for writing this.

C'MON MAMA November 14, 2018 - 11:21 am

Oh thank you, Mama! I’m so glad it resonated with you. I feel like I see mom-shaming all day every day lately…and it’s not one-sided. It’s all types of Mamas shaming other Mamas who have shamed them. So…much…shame. And enough is enough! Thanks for the love, Mama.


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